I went on the night out, as a census lady... with clipboard & census forms......& very LARGE handbag....  had a few S/C's & had a brillinat night out... it was a right laugh with a mile high pilot lady (with captains hat & VERY large cleavage) a naughty nun (another VERY large cleavage) an aussie explorer (nice guy).. anyhooo.... I had a few good snogs & finally realised what i have let go by the way side.. pure fun... OH WHAT A REALEASE.... 

I've been trying to write a few ditties over the last few weeks but manage to get the 1st verse & then go blank...  ah well, never mind.. I must be ok cos I usually write them when I am in high emotion & as my life is getting more settled I find it difficult to pen anything... aahhhhh but I'm venturing out tomorrow night... with the group of "swingers" I accidently signed up with...  could be fun... I'll let you know... smile now...  its lonely but so much better than what I had to put up with... 

yes well, I suppose I was expecting it!!  why can't "friends" just stop letting me know that he is full on drinking again??  I DO NOT wish to know any details about what he may or may not be getting up to... I no longer care... I am concentrating on healing myself, physically & mentally & spiritually & each day its gets better & better... no stress, no fears, no compromises....  I have let it be known that I have no compulsion to ask about him so there is no reason to tell me... the memories of what it was like are more that enough for me to deal with without the constant reminders... he does this to himself & it is no longer my concern... I was asked what I will do if he is hospitalised again? my reply... so be it....  he has a family... I also let it be known that IF we do meet face to face, as I am sure will happen at some future point, I will treat & greet him like an old friend... I have nothing to hide, I am not ashamed of anything from the past & will hold my head high & NOT skulk around trying to avoid him, why should I???

 

I was going to close down this space because I was using it as a way of ranting & venting but I've decided that I'm gonna keep it up as a touchstone for reference & as a chronical for my future endeavours.... 

 

Everything I am now doing & everyone I am now meeting are reaffirming that I have made the right choice in concentrating on myself & letting go of the past...  I feel more content & settled & although being on my own is a strange experience for me because I have always had a boyfriend/husband/partner, I am finding that it has serious advantages... I do what I please, when I please, with whom I please... I can live with that

well, I knew it was coming, it was just going along far too smoothly...   I went to a friends last sunday & he came along.. it was lovely, we had a really nice day, saw a few people we hadn't seen in a while, the only thing was.... when he was asked if we were together he replied "no, we're just friends"!!!!! WHAT?????  I let it go, whats the point in making a fuss over a few words? monday evening he met me on the bus & I could smell the booze... & you know what.. I just thought "fuck it, why bother"..... I practically ignored him, had a bath, went to bed, got up in the morning & went to work.. upset but more angry than anything... on the way home I passed his flat & saw the window open so thought I'd pop in to see if he was ok... asked him if he was ok & also if it was worth me being there? he told me he didn't care if I was upset, that he fancied a drink so he had one (turned out to be 3 or 4) long & the short of it is I got very upset for a very short while.. composed myself in his bathroom, asked him to get the (very large) fan he had borrowed & left... I threw his keys at him & told him he had better make sure his brother took them for when he needed to get in for when he finally became a statistic, kicked the doors a lot (I was very angry) & stormed off carrying this ridiculous fan in a bin liner!!!  top of the street the bin liner split... I went back to the front of his flat (ground floor) & hurled the fan onto the concrete under his front window where it smashed up quite nicely & made a very very satisfying very very loud crash.. stuck 2 fingers up at his window.. told him "fuck you"  & left.. no more tears.. no regrets.. I tried my best but no more...

things seem to be going along quite smoothly... apart from the other week when he tried to have a couple of drinks & I picked up on it really fast & fronted him about it... we seem to have settled into a routine.. I'm doing more hours at work & he's drifting around trying to keep from getting bored cos he's still sick (although there are daily improvements) .... so why am I waiting for the bomb to go off???? it feels like the calm before the storm... & the thing is that deep down I don't think I really give a shit!!!!  It's like I'm treading water, staying in one place, waiting to see what happens, testing & waiting????  & I'm wondering all the time "whats in this for me?" & he also suggested that his brother would come over to help out in a home improvement project of mine!!!!  I don't want his brother here & luckily it hasn't come to the point where I will have to tell him bluntly, if it does tho', I will.........  I feel no guilt in this.....  I'm going away for a weekend soon, on my own, I need the break... 

there have been one or two hiccups over the last few weeks... mostly him trying to get away with having a drink & obviously thinking that I was

 

1. stupid

2. have no sense of smell

3. am blind

 

so we got over that by me telling him that I wasn't any of the 3 above.. so far all is ok.. but I still have no real trust...

I've just spent the weekend with him @ his flat... I've been working so was only there for the evenings but it's been really relaxing...  well, I'm learning to relax again & things seem to be going ok... he made meals for me, cups of tea, baths etc...  he even looked after my dog (who is besotted with him) & we laughed a lot....

 

 

well well... I am a little gobsmacked by what has gone on in the last couple of weeks... my last entry was to do with the fact that I'd sent my poems to him & he had texted me to say how sorry he was for making me feel that way... it was the first time he had seem them because he was always drunk before & I am awful shy about them... anyway... we got to texting & I found out that he had once again tried to beat "the system" & had taken to the booze again (as I knew he would) even tho he is on serious medication for the blood clots, anyway, he got taken ill again, but not hospitalised, his family (thanks be) got on his case... its the first time for that as well because before they hadn't put in the effort through his detox so this time they realised how bad it could get... I went to visit him & we talked... I didn't pull any punches either... what would be the point in that eh? so now we are taking things one day at a time... I have had a week off work & spent a lot of it with him, just talking & watching films etc... or as he put it "getting to know each other again & rekindling our love" ... we will see... this time tho there is definitely something different... he is calmer & more considerate...

I am slowly, slowly managing to cope, I cry every day but the times I cry are getting shorter & I'm managing to hide it from practically everyone, I feel so bitter & angry still but I know that this is the only way I will be able to manage, I can't let myself be humiliated any more, but I feel so sick to my heart still with the way this has all come about, if it had been as it was before he got taken into hospital I know I would have been ok because it was my choice to end it because of the drinking & the lies, but now hes forced to be sober I just can't bear it that he is totally indifferent to me & the pain he has caused, I know I sound like a selfish bitch but I don't care, I have given up.  I wrote him a letter, I  wrote that I had given up, that I knew he was indifferent to me & that I could no longer be around him because it hurt me more than not being with him, I sent him copies of my poems, I just don't care any more what he thinks or does, oh don't get me wrong, I love this man so much, but why should I keep belittling myself when he has made it abundantly clear he has no regard for me...

 

seems like I've been drifting in a cloud of wallowing self pity these last few weeks...  so I had a good think... had a good cry... the sun decided to be shining & I thought that there is no way this is going to beat me.. him & his family are not going to beat me... although it crucifies me to think of everything I've ever done for this man being just tossed aside by him & his family, they will NOT defeat me... I know now that there is no way we will/can be together, if there was some spark between us & he did love me he would have made some sort of effort to contact me, that of course hasn't happened, so things are dead & buried between us now & it sort of helps to know exactly where I stand because before I would get vague answers to my questions or get a question back from him which got very frustrating...  so I am making myself better... I know that the people most important to me, my family & close friends, all know the truth of it ... so the wanker can now go take a running leap, his family are there now to catch him, its no longer my responsiblity... I will rebuild my life... there are soooooo many possibilities...  which, for now, deffo DO NOT include any kind of relationships..... so I'm back in the land of the living... 

I am sitting here typing this & crying so much & so hard that I can't see properly, I have been feeling so low recently with everything going on, family matters, money matters, teenage son stuff, council workmen & a whole host of other trivial stuff that tends to mount up so much that it suddenly envelopes you & you feel like its drowning you, I managed not to call him over the weekend, he didn't call me either, I had finished doing a couple of CDs for him & his sister (yes I am gullible) so called this morning on my way to work, he invited me over for a coffee after work...  I went... when I got to his flat there was a very good mutual friend visiting so we had a real good chat etc etc... he left & he & I chatted about how he was doing etc for a while but it was getting later & I needed to catch a bus, I asked him what he was doing the rest of the week & he came out with this long list of what he was doing with various family members & friends for the rest of the week & said that if I liked I could come over for tea on saturday.. he was free then!!!!  as I was leaving we had a hug & he usually pushes me away after a few seconds but I have been feeling so very low that I asked him to hug me more & said to him that I had had a very stressfull, anxious & unpleasant week... he replied... as he pushed me away... "don't worry, your strong, you'll get over it, you always do, you can cope" ....  trouble is... I can't cope, I'm not strong & I can feel myself sinking into a blackness of despair & I can't stop crying, I cry on the bus to & from work, in my home.. when I'm shopping...  anywhere... my son has beat a hasty retreat cos he is just too young to understand & at this moment I just don't care about it...  the shattering indifference I got from him is just too much to bear after everything I have done for him... I don't want rewards ...I just needed some compassion...  I texted him when I got home .. told him I was not strong & could not cope & this was all tearing me apart that I knew he wasn't bothered & needed to concentrate on getting better so it would be best if I just leave him alone.... that all i asked for was that he cared for me as much as I care for him & that i wanted him to fight for me but that I knew he wouldn't cos he was indifferent & that it was too painful for me to deal with any longer...  so I'm sat here ripped apart yet again as I knew I would be..  can he not see how much this hurts, why can't he see that???  I suppose  it will heal.. eventually

today I feel so low

he invited us to tea at his flat, by us I mean myself & my youngest (16), I asked my lad, he wanted to go, hell... you know I wanted to go as well... stupid... I had already had a goodly chat to another of my very closest friends who advised me well.. but.. as she knew I would, I went... it was a very nice night... he cooked... from scratch.. a lovely turkey casserolle with veg n' potatoes, ice cream for pudding, coffee, chat, music, a bit of laughter.... we left at about 10pm & I have managed to force myself not to call him over the weekend...

well, after a few weeks of waiting anxiously he has been told he can go home.. yes, as you can see, I did go & visit him in hospital despite "the ban" despite the fact that I am not "family" & ONLY an X-Girlfriend????  I was worried so I went to see him, got a little bit of cold shoulder from his sister but his mum was nice to me but then she probably hasn't been told how awful I was in speaking my mind..  I didn't bump into his brother..  I am so glad that he is getting better cos it was touch & go for a while there but I must admit to feeling quite angry at them all.. for years I have been telling him what he was doing, that his family weren't helping him etc etc & as far as I could see was literally out there on my own trying to keep him well & off the booze & putting up with everything that went along with alcoholism.. the sickness.. temper.. smell.. moods.. name it & it was probably there as well..... I saw him through detox a least 5/6 times.. fed him... did his laundry.. everything.. and now of course.. because of this scare... they are all treating it as if they have never even considered that fact..  NOW they are all concerned with his health, NOW they are concerned with the cleanliness of his flat, his clothes, his person, NOW they start treating him as a sick person instead of ridiculing him...  NOW they start telling him that he can't drink anymore.... NOW they all start to tell him that he needs to eat properly... & of course they have all, including him, disregarded the fact that I have been through this time & again with him, maybe not a severe as this time, but close to it, so human nature being what it is... I feel terribly terribly let down.. why did I bother for all those years????  & yes I do realise how selfish this all sounds but I am hurting...  he said to me that he doesn't know how he managed to last this long without it happening before.. well maybe he needs to sit down & think just exactly what I have done for him over the years...  but I am glad he is getting better....